Whatever you celebrate, I hope it's beautiful for you.
Sunday, 25 December 2011
Whatever you celebrate, I hope it's beautiful for you.
Saturday, 24 December 2011
This time last year we'd been settled for just over a week, having left our home of nearly a decade. There were good things and bad things about that. I'd hoped, futilely as it turned out, that once we got moved and settled the worst would be behind us, and we could start moving forward with life again, but of course the universe had a few more curve balls to throw our way over the course of the year to come. I won't even pretend that it's been easy, or that I've come through it smiling and strong. That old saw about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? That's bullshit. What doesn't kill you just leaves you scarred and sad. If you're lucky, you might be able to take some meaning away from it that will be of use to you in the future. And scars? Sometimes they fade, but rarely do they completely go away.
It's Christmas Eve now, another year down and another milestone (or millstone) of a birthday staring me in my metaphorical face. It's going to be a cold, clear night. Soon we'll go out, and spend the evening with my relatives, then cruise slowly home looking at the lights along the way. If tonight is like many other Christmas Eve nights, I'll turn on the midnight mass on TV and watch it for a few minutes, then get bored with it and return to the internet. Tonight I'll probably watch holiday themed episodes of Bones or X-Files on DVD. I have no savior's birth to celebrate; but what I do have is the possibility of my own resourcefulness carrying me forward into whatever the next phase of my life will be, and that's a reasonable enough gift. I do have things to be glad of, things to give me joy, and if they can't always balance out the darkness, well, that's all right. This time of year is all about light increasing, and candles against the night.
Happy holidays to you all.
Friday, 16 December 2011
Thursday, 15 December 2011
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Dua Netjer! Dua Bast!
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
Monday, 12 December 2011
What joys did this first day bring?
A DVD I'd ordered arrived. It's a refresher/instructional video for American Tribal Style belly dance, my preferred dance style and the one in which I used to perform a few years ago. I've missed it, and when I saw this disc advertised I thought it looked like just the thing. I was very happy to find it in the mailbox.
I tested for a company for which I think I'd like to freelance. Even being asked to test was rather flattering, and I felt that I acquitted myself reasonably well. Now to the waiting, to see if they agree!
So, there's a start. Dua Netjer! Dua Bast!
Prayer to Thoth
Lord of Language, Warden of Words
Most well-spoken of all birds,
Sacred Ibis, we beseech
your wisdom. Grant our wish: please teach
the wit and way to model speech
in such a way our prayers will reach
your ears, and so be stirred.
Holy Thoth, Lord Ra's tongue:
give us words; leave us not dumb.
Joyous paeans we'll intone
aloud to praise your gifts, alone
above all others. Do condone
our humble hymns, Bird-lord be-throned,
Accept our thanks and worship, sung.
Friday, 9 December 2011
(Please forgive the sentimentality; blame it on the season and my advancing decrepitude, but this story moved even hyper-rational old me. It was making the rounds on Tumblr. The author is unknown.)
Santa's Advice to Pagans
We had a nice, serene kind of Solstice Circle. No jingling bells or faked-out Christmas Carols. Soon after the last coven member left, Jack was ready to pack it in.
“The baby’s nestled all snug in her bed,” he said with a yawn, “I think I’ll go settle in for a long winter’s nap.”
I heaved a martyred sigh. He grinned unrepentantly, kissed me, called me a grinch, and went to bed. I stayed up and puttered around the house, trying to unwind. I sifted through the day’s mail, ditched the flyers urging us to purchase all the Seasonal Joy we could afford or charge.
I opened the card from his parents. Another sermonette: a manger scene and a bible verse, with a handwritten note expressing his mother’s fervent hope that God’s love and Christmas spirit would fill our hearts in this blessed season. She means well, really. I amused myself by picking out every Pagan element I could find in the card.
When the mail had been sorted, I got up and started turning our ritual room back into a living room. As if the greeting card had carried a virus, I found myself humming Christmas carols. I turned on the classic rock station, but they were playing that Lennon-Ono Christmas song. I switched stations. The weatherman assured me that there was only a twenty percent chance of snow. Then, by Loki, the deejay let Bruce Springsteen insult my ears crooning, “yah better
watch out, yah better not pout.” I tried the Oldies station. Elvis lives, and he does Christmas songs. Okay, fine. We’ll do classical ~ no, we won’t. They’re playing Handel’s Messiah. Maybe the community radio station would have something secular humanist.
“Ahora, escucharemos a Jose Feliciano canta 'Feliz Navidad’.”
I was getting annoyed. The radio doesn’t usually get this saturated with holiday mush until the twenty-fourth.
“This is too weird.” I said to the radio, “Cut that crap out.”
The country station had some Kenny Rogers Christmas tune, the first rock station had gone from John and Yoko’s Christmas song to Simon and Garfunkel’s “Silent Night,” and the other rock station still had Springsteen reliving his childhood. “—I’m tellin’ you why. Santa Claus is comin’ to town!” he bellowed.
I was about to pick out a nice secular CD when there was a knock at the door.
Now, it could have been a coven member who’d forgotten something. It could have been someone with car trouble. It could have been any number of things, but it certainly couldn’t have been a stout guy in a red suit—snowy beard, rosy cheeks, and all—backed by eight reindeer and a sleigh. I blinked, wondered crazily where Rudolph was, and blinked again. There were nine reindeer. Our twenty-percent chance of snow had frosted the dead grass and was continuing to
float down in fat flakes.
“Hi, Frannie.” he said warmly, “I’ve missed you.”
“I’m stone cold sober, and you don’t exist.”
He looked at me with a mixture of sorrow and compassion and sighed heavily.
“That’s why I miss you, Frannie. Can I come in? We need to talk.”
I couldn’t quite bring myself to slam the door on this vision, hallucination, or whatever. So I let him in, because that made more sense then letting all the cold air in while I argued with someone who wasn’t there.
As he stepped in, a thought crossed my mind about various entities needing an invitation to get in houses. He flashed me a smile that would melt the polar caps.
“Don’t you miss Christmas, Frannie?”
“No.” I said flatly, “Apparently you don’t see me when I’m sleeping and waking these days. I haven’t been Christian for years.”
“Oh, now don’t let that stop you. We both know this holiday’s older than that. Yule trees and Saturnalia and here-comes-the- sun, doodoodendoodoo. “
I raised an eyebrow at the Beatles reference, then gave him my standard sermonette on the appropriation and adulteration that made Christmas no longer a Pagan holiday. I had done my homework. I listedcenturies, I named names—St.Nicholas among them.
“In the twentieth century version,” I assured him, “Christmas is two parts crass commercialism mixed with one part blind faith in a religion I rejected years ago.” I gave him my best lines, the ones that had convinced my coven to abstain from Christmassy cliches. My hallucination sat in Jack’s favorite chair, nodding patiently at me.
“And you,” I added nastily, “come here talking about ancient customs when you—in your current form—were invented in the nineteenth century by, um…Clement C. Moore.”
He laughed, a rolling, belly-deep chuckle unlike any department-store Santa I’d ever heard.
“Of course I change my form now and then to suit fashion. Don’t you? And does that stop you from being yourself?” He said, and asked me if I remembered Real Magic, by Isaac Bonewits.
I gaped at him for a moment, then caught myself. “This is like 'Labyrinth’, right? I’m having a dream that pretends to be real, but is only made from pieces of things in my memory. You don’t look a thing like David Bowie.”
“Bonewits has this Switchboard Theory.” Santa went on amiably, “The energy you put into your beliefs influences the real existence of the archetypal—oh, let me put it simpler: “in the beginning, Man createdGod’. Ian Anderson.”
He lit a long-stemmed pipe. The tobacco had a mild and somehow Christmassy smell, and every puff sent up a wreath of smoke. “I’m afraid it’s a bit more complicated than Bonewits tells it, but
that’s close enough for mortals. Are you with me so far?”
“Oh, sure.” I lied as unconvincingly as possible.
Santa sighed heavily.
“When’s the last time you left out hot tea and cookies for me?”
“When I figured out my parents were eating them.”
“Frannie, Frannie. Remember pinda balls, from Hinduism?”
“Rice balls left as offerings for ancestors and gods.”
“Do Hindus really believe that the ancestors and gods eat pinda balls?”
“All right, y’got me there. They say that spirits consume the spiritual essence, then mortals can have what’s left.”
“Mm-hm.” Santa smiled at me compassionately through his snowy beard.
I rallied quickly. “What about the toys? I know for a fact they aren’t made by you and a bunch of non-union Elves.”
“Oh, that’s quite true. Manufacturing physical objects out of magical energy is terribly expensive and breaks several laws of Nature—She only allows us to do that on special occasions. It certainly couldn’t be done globally and annually. Now, the missus and the Elves and I really do have a shop at the North Pole. Not the sort of thing the Air Force would ever find. What we make up there is what makes this time a holiday, no matter what religion it’s called.”
“Don’t tell me,” I said, rolling my eyes, “you make the sun come back.”
“Oh my, no. The solar cycle stuff, the Reason For The Season, isn’t my department. My part is making it a holiday. We make a mild, non-addictive psychedelic thing called Christmas spirit. Try some.”
He dipped his fingers in a pocket and tossed red-gold-green- silver glitter at me. I could have ducked. I don’t know why I didn’t.
It smelled like snow and pine needles, and cedar chips in the fireplace. It smelled like fruitcake, cornbread, savory herbal stuffing, like that foamy white stuff you spray on the window with
stencils. It felt like a crisp wind, Grandma’s hugs, fuzzy new mittens, pine needles scrunching under my slippers. I saw twinkle lights, mistletoe in the doorway, smiling faces from years gone by. Several Christmas carols played almost simultaneously in a kind of medley. I fought my way back to my living room and glared sternly at the hallucination in Jack’s chair.
“Fun stuff. Does the DEA know about this?”
“Oh, Frannie. Why are you such a hard case? I told you it’s non-addictive and has no harmful side effects. Would Santa Claus lie to you?”
I opened my mouth and closed it again. We looked at each other a while.
“Can I have some more of that glittery stuff?”
“Mmmm. I think you need something stronger. Try a sugarplum.”
I tasted rum ball. Peppermint. Those hard candies with the picture all the way through. Mama’s favorite fudge. A chorus line of Christmas candies danced through my mouth. The Swedish Angel Chimes, run on candle power, say tingatingatingating . Mama, with a funny smile, promised to give Santa my letter.
Greeting cards taped on the refrigerator door. We rode through the tree farm on a straw-filled trailer pulled by a red and green tractor, looking for a perfect pine. It was so big, Daddy had to
cut a bit off so the star wouldn’t scrape the ceiling. Lights, ornaments, tinsel. Daddy lifted me up to the mantle to hang my stocking. My dolls stayed up to see Santa Claus, and in the morning they all had new clothes. Grandma carried in platters with the world’s biggest Christmas dinner. Joey’s Christmas puppy chased my Christmas kitten up the tree and it would have fallen over but Daddy held it while Mama got the kitten out. Daddy said every bad word there was but he
kept laughing anyway. I sneaked my favorite plastic horse into the nativity scene, between the camels and the donkey.
I came back to reality slowly, with a silly smile on my face and a tickly feeling behind my eyes like they wanted to cry. The phrase“visions of sugarplums” took on a whole new meaning.
“How long has it been,” Santa asked, “since you played with a nativity set?"
“But it symbolizes—"
“The winter-born king. The sacred Mother and her sun-child. Got a problem with that? You could redecorate it with pentagrams if you like, they’ll look fine. As for the Christianization, I’ve heard who you invoke at Imbolc.”
“But Bridgid was a Goddess for centuries before the Catholic Church--oh.” I crossed my arms and tried to glare at him, but failed. “You’rea sneaky old Elf, y’know?”
“The term is `jolly old Elf.’ Care for another sugarplum?”
I did. I tasted gingerbread. My first nip of soy eggnog the way the grown-ups drink it. Fresh sugar cookies, shaped like trees and decked with colored frosting. Dad had been laid off, but we managed a lot of cheer. They told us Christmas would be “slim pickings.” Joey and I smiled bravely when Mama brought home that spindly spruce. We loaded down our “Charlie Brown Christmas Tree” with every light and ornament it could hold. Popcorn and cranberry strings for the outdoor trees. Mistletoe in the hall: plastic mistletoe, real kisses. Joey and I snipped and glued and stitched and painted treasures to give as presents.
We agonized over our “Santa” letters…by now we knew where the goodies came from, and we tried to compromise between what we longed for and they thought they could afford. Every day we hoped the factory would reopen. When Joey’s dog ate my mitten, I wasn’t brave. I knew that meant I’d get mittens for Christmas, and one less toy. I cried.
On December twenty-fifth we opened our presents ve-ery slo-wly, drawing out the experience. We made a show of cheer over our socks and shirts and meager haul of toys. I got red mittens. We could tell Mama and Daddy were proud of us for being so brave, because they were grinning like crazy.
“Go out to the garage for apples.” Mama told us, “We’ll have apple pancakes.”
I don’t remember having the pancakes. There was a dollhouse in the garage. No mass-produced aluminum thing but a homemade plywood dollhouse with wall-papered walls and real curtains and thread-spool chairs. My dolls were inside, with newly sewn clothes. Joey was on his knees in front of a plywood barn with hay in the loft. His old farm implements had new paint. Our plastic animals were corralled in Popsicle stick fences. The garage smelled like apples and hay, the
cement was bone-chilling under my slippers, and I was crying.
My knees were drawn up to my chest, arms wrapped around them. My chest felt tight, like ice cracking in sunshine. Santa offered me a huge white handkerchief. When all the ice in my chest had melted, he cleared his throat. He was pretty misty-eyed, too.
“Want to come sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Christmas?”
“You’ve already given it to me.” But I sat on his lap anyway, and kissed his rosy cheek until he did his famous laugh.
“I’d better go now, Frannie. I have other stops to make, and you have work to do.”
“Right. I’d better pop the corn tonight, it strings best when it’s stale.”
I let him out the door. The reindeer were pawing impatiently at the moon-kissed new-fallen snow. I’d swear Rudolph winked at me.
“Don’t forget the hot tea and cookies.”
“Right? Uh, December twenty-fourth, or Solstice, or what?”
He shrugged. “Whatever night you expect me, I’ll be there. Eh, don’t wait up. Visits like this are tightly rationed. Laws of Nature, y’know, and She’s strict with them.”
“Gotcha. Thanks, Santa.” I kissed his cheek again. “Happy Holidays.” The phrase had a nice, non-denominational ring to it. I thought I’d call my parents and in-laws soon and try it out on them.
Santa laid his finger aside of his nose and nodded.
“Blessed be, Frannie.”
The sleigh soared up, and Santa really did exclaim something. It sounded like old German. Smart-aleck Elf.
When I closed the door, the radio was playing Jethro Tull’s “Solstice Bells.”
Thursday, 8 December 2011
...Give me not words of consolation. Give me magic, the fire of one beyond the borders of enchantment. Give me the spell of living well...
...I walk in harmony, heaven in one hand, earth in the other. I am the knot where two worlds meet. Red magic courses through me like the blood of Isis, magic of magic, spirit of spirit. I am proof of the power of gods. I am water and dust walking.