Saturday, 24 December 2011

Days 6-10 and Beyond

Yeah, well. I kind of ran out of joy there prematurely. This is proving to be a bit difficult, this time of year.

This time last year we'd been settled for just over a week, having left our home of nearly a decade. There were good things and bad things about that. I'd hoped, futilely as it turned out, that once we got moved and settled the worst would be behind us, and we could start moving forward with life again, but of course the universe had a few more curve balls to throw our way over the course of the year to come. I won't even pretend that it's been easy, or that I've come through it smiling and strong. That old saw about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? That's bullshit. What doesn't kill you just leaves you scarred and sad. If you're lucky, you might be able to take some meaning away from it that will be of use to you in the future. And scars? Sometimes they fade, but rarely do they completely go away.

It's Christmas Eve now, another year down and another milestone (or millstone) of a birthday staring me in my metaphorical face. It's going to be a cold, clear night. Soon we'll go out, and spend the evening with my relatives, then cruise slowly home looking at the lights along the way. If tonight is like many other Christmas Eve nights, I'll turn on the midnight mass on TV and watch it for a few minutes, then get bored with it and return to the internet. Tonight I'll probably watch holiday themed episodes of Bones or X-Files on DVD. I have no savior's birth to celebrate; but what I do have is the possibility of my own resourcefulness carrying me forward into whatever the next phase of my life will be, and that's a reasonable enough gift. I do have things to be glad of, things to give me joy, and if they can't always balance out the darkness, well, that's all right. This time of year is all about light increasing, and candles against the night.

Happy holidays to you all.

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